Public Service Announcement

FYI - this is going to come off as a little bit of personal therapy and a bit like a PSA so be warned.

*****

Anger. I have it. A lot today. I don't like anger. Not at all. I don't like being angry, having a reason to be angry nor do I like the way anger makes me feel like I hate things in my life. I'd really like to just SCREAM. But as I am FINALLY beginning to get over being sick...again...for like the 1,847,636th time this school year - I'd really like to not have a sore throat from screaming.





*Don't be fooled by my angry face - this is a serious post.

Grey's Anatomy had a good thought on anger:


In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones... gluttony, pride, lust. But the thing you don't hear much about is anger. Maybe it's because we think anger is not that dangerous, that you can control it. My point is, maybe we don't give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all, when it comes to destructive behavior, it did make the top seven...

So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really, you give into a sin like envy or pride and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you'll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger, anger is the worst... the mother of all sins... Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does you can take an awful lot of people with you.




*****


My two pet peeves today have a lot to do with anger. Anger that I feel because of these two things. These two things that I hate. And you know I'm serious if I'm saying that I truly hate them. I don't "hate" a lot of things. I hate ignorance. I hate injustice. I strongly dislike stupidity. I very strongly dislike phony people. But what I've come to learn is that I hate hate hate inconsistency and double standards. And I hate that there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I've been taught that hate and anger are not things that you want to carry around with you. They have the ability to consume you. Which they do. Easily. This is why I'm venting these two things here today and getting them off of my chest and out of my mind and heart.

Inconsistency

I've never been someone who needs to have structure in my life to function. However I do like having structure. I like knowing what I have to do. I like knowing what is expected. I like having a good idea of what is going to happen. I like repetition. I don't like the unknown. I'm leery of going to new places alone. I don't often like change. I like constant. I like being prepared. I've never liked projects where I had no idea of what the teacher/professor was looking for. I've just always liked knowing what is expected of me. I don't like surprises (unless they are good ones). I'm not very spontaneous. I like having a schedule or at least a plan and for the most part, sticking to it.



I imagine a lot of people are like me in this way. Sure, maybe I am a little more extreme than most. I like knowing what to expect because I like to please. But really who doesn't? I guess people know this about me more than I do since it was obvious to everyone but me (when playing Imaginiff -good game btw) that my biggest fear in life would be to disappoint others.



So imagine my difficulty in dealing with people who are so inconsistent you never know what to expect. People who change their tune every time they turn around so even if they told you to do something one way - they will change their mind the next minute and contradict everything you thought you were doing right. I just can't cope with that. I don't know how to. It makes me so angry I don't know what to do with it. I think I am doing everything right or at the very least doing everything the way I thought I was told to do it to be completely blindsided. Inconsistency is something I am finding myself completely bombarded with right now. I'm very close to carrying a tape recorder around with me and getting everything in writing. Because I just don't know how much more I can take.

Double Standards

Pet Peeve #2 goes hand in hand with Pet Peeve #1. The best part [sarcasm] of the chaos I am in right now is that some people can do things a certain way while others are not allowed. See why I am angry?



I try not to be angry about these things. It is just so hard.

A Buddhist principle I like goes something like this: The past is full of regret, the future full of anxiety, all we have with absolute certainty is now - so live in the now. Not with anxiety for the future or regret for the past.

I'm trying. Maybe I should add something about anger for the things I hate that can't change. Maybe I should add the Serenity Prayer to my list.