This is for you Sterling

I added one...ONE Christmas song.

:)

And I suppose you're right. It's not too bad.

I might add another...

Dear Paula,

*mutters* ...trying to get me killed...

How's that for a crank face?


Serves you right.  You know how unstable some people are.  You're gonna feel terrible at my funeral.

No Love,
Jen

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Letter to...

Dear USC Alumni Association,

Thank you for your fundraising call last night.  But to answer your question/request...ummmmm NO, I will not be donating to the fundraising 'cause' at this time.  Perhaps you might consider this when you think about calling people at 9:00 on a Monday night.  I mean really.  WTF!??!   Now don't get me wrong - I'm no old biddy who considers 9:00 late.  But you see, last night was the first time in I don't know when that I actually was falling asleep at 9:00.  And if I'm falling asleep (as opposed to being wide awake with no chance of falling asleep at a decent hour) at 9 after a ridiculously long and tiresome Monday - then dang it - I'm going to go to sleep! And since I haven't had a solid eight hours of sleep in since oh .... I don't know when nor can I fall asleep on command (unless it's 3 in the afternoon)- I'm really, really irritated with you for taking that  extra sleep from me.  Because not only did you wake me up from my "I was almost sleeping" zone - but you also made it so that I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight ... again... So I spent my entire Tuesday dragging and in search of caffeine.  I blame you for this.

So just to reiterate - No, I won't be donating any money or time to you right now.  Because I'm mad at you.   And if you call me when I'm trying to sleep again...you won't see anything from me ever again.  (And to be quite honest- didn't you already get enough money from me?!?)

Considering giving some money to Clemson just to spite you,

Jen

Letter to...

Dear North Carolina,

While I enjoyed my visit with you for the last couple of days, I have a few statements/questions/grievances.   Now you’ll have to excuse me as you’ve never been a state that I’ve hung around in even though you’ve been my neighbor for pretty much my entire life - whether you’ve been a southern neighbor from most of my childhood in Virginia Beach or my northern neighbor from my teen/adult years in South Carolina.  Either way – for the most part you’ve mostly been a state to travel through – not a destination…until this week. 

1.  I did notice a few things – which I’d previously noticed from going to Charlotte, Asheville and Hendersonville, but especially now from Wilmington & Beaufort – you rly need to fix your roads.  Srsly.  I think I need new shocks and a tire alignment from your bumpy, lumpy and rough roads.  I’m not kidding here.

I was very near a panic attack trying to get around this log truck - I mean they're scary to be behind as it is but to be behind one on a bumpy, rough road - I could totally see those logs snapping or falling off the truck in some way.  

*shudders*

 Here's a suggestion:  Do what SC does and instead of using a bunch of money on education – give all your money to the Highway Dept. to waste use on fixing the roads (no, I’m not bitter…).  But srsly though at least put up dividers on the highways.  I still (after 4 years - has it been that long!?!) have difficulties traveling down a highway that doesn’t have some sort of divider in the median.  I mean we all know what kind of damage those cable dividers can do to a car…

*sighs*  :(  

Perhaps I’m still a little skittish about my (as Jason calls it) "Nascar style" spin out into the center median (Not. My. Fault. – nope, I’m not still bitter…not at all). 

But it certainly beats the alternative of ending up in the oncoming traffic lanes.  Without the median I’d have to bet there would have been much more damage (bodily and car damage) than just a ripped to shreds passenger side and undercarriage.  

*pouts*  'Twas a sad day - leaving my baby in that junkyard

Point being – put up a guard rail for crying out loud!! Cement, medal or cable - I don't care...just put something in the median.

2.  What’s up with these signs?   I mean they are everywhere!  'Don’t pass in center lane'?  

You mean the median?  Is that a problem for you?  I know (from experience… trust) how tempting it is to pass on the right in the median – but is it really necessary to put these signs up everywhere?  Obviously you have an issue with this.  But wow - and people thought SC drivers were bad. 

3.  Speeding.   Now your state (and city of Wilmington) must be like my current city - in that it ignores certain laws.  You see for instance – my city ignores the traffic lights.   You can go all through a red light and no one cares or even thinks twice about it.  I know your city/state doesn’t ignore that b/c of all of the signs posted about that…

 'Red Light Photo Enforced' - Whatevs  How about some crazy driver photo enforcement?!?

But I can’t even begin to get into the magnitude of crazy drivers I encountered while in NC.  I mean srsly – and you don’t even know how much of a maniac I drive like – I was amazed by the crazy F-ers who were passing me.  I tend to drive 10 mph over the speed limit as it is – but these people were flying past me!  I think everyone was going at least 15-20 mph over.  Even downtown!  This was simply amazing to me.  I can’t even begin to get into how people change lanes and just about kill others by cutting them off and/or swerving around parked cars/people while flying down the road.  It takes a lot to scare me in the car (and I do mean a lot – Jason taxied me around for years, and I’m still alive to tell the tale) – but you managed to put even me on edge.  Congratulations, that’s no easy feat.    

But the best part is getting back into SC and seeing signs that tell you to ‘pass with care’ or ‘change lanes with care’.  Gotta love SC – coddling its people. 

Which brings me to…

4.  Who lets me drive in big cities anyway?  I can’t even count the number of times I’ve nearly run pedestrians down or hit parked cars in downtown areas.  It always seems to happen while I’m circling the area trying to find somewhere to dispose of the car so we can walk around/go places.  Driving in big cities – in the downtown areas – is just not for me. I sightsee too much.  

5.  And who knew Wilmington had so many colleges!  Not me.  Perhaps this has a lot to do with the maniac drivers?

6.  I did manage to get my toes in the cold water!  Wrightsville Beach in March - not quite as balmy as I’d hoped.   But still worth it. 

Plus the view from The Oceanic restaurant (yes we went there partially b/c of LOST) was awesome!

  

7.  On the other hand, thanks Carolina Beach - for the sunburn.  I appreciate it.  I have to say that I don’t mind it as much as I probably should.  With as unusually long and cold as this winter has been – I was quite happy to sit on a warm beach and soak up some sun.  You see usually our winters usually consist of 50-60 degree Novembers, 40-50 degree Decembers, two weeks of cold (i.e. – 25 degree mornings, 35 degree days) in January and then it goes back to 50 degrees until mid-March.  So you see – after three months of constant cold (like in the teens cold - OMG - shocking I know!), I’m ready to pack up the coats, sweaters, scarves and gloves for more typical attire for this area.

My feet aren't quite that white anymore...thanks sun.

Even if I do (and most likely will in a few weeks) get tired of the balmy/steamy weather the Southeast has to offer – I really did enjoy it this week. 

So thank you NC for an enlightening interesting couple of days.  It was a pretty decent way to spend my Spring Break.

Glad we got to know each other a little better

  (and yes – I will be coming back to Wilmington in the future - your crazy drivers can't scare me away),

  Jen     

P.S.  Thanks for selling my AWESOME new flip flops!  I’ve never seen any like them!  

See I told you my feet weren't quite so white anymore...now I have some wicked flip flop tan (burn) lines

Random Ruby

How about a little Friday Random Letters to...? Sure sounds good to me.

We are 4 (count em 4) days until Christmas Break. Hi. My name is Jen and I've lost my mind. I think I blocked out just how wild and crazy 26 - 6 year olds get when the Holidays approach! Jesus Christmas - I'm looking forward to the crazy stores and loud family gatherings just to have some peace and quiet.

(this is me lately - OUT. OF. MY. EVERLOVING. MIND)

Good news is: I just got word that IF I get done the crap load of stuff I have to get done before the break (oh and I fully intend to) - I can have next Friday off (fingers crossed that no one changes their mind or remembers a forgotten Math Training...Shhhh...). So that in itself puts me in a much better mood. This week was marginally better than last. I've been minding my p's and q's every day. So I guess that is just the way to play it. Scared to death to wander off schedule by a minute - but hey - if it works... I'll live with it.



So without further ado....




Dear Thomas,


Srsly?!?! Srsly? Your tail is NOT out to get you. It will NOT murder you in your sleep. It is not talking smack behind your back. It won't even look at you funny. I promise. Please stop trying to bite it off. I'll be honest here - it kind of freaks me out and it is really gross finding your blood trails on the floor and window sill. Srsly. I am sorry that we've resorted to taping socks on your tail to hide it from you. That's sad.

(Yes, that's a sock)

And pretty freaking funny. The best part is having to buy you a cone (AKA lampshade according to Kim) to prevent you from getting to your tail.







There is NOTHING better than watching/hearing you trying to jump up into the window, hitting the window and falling to the ground. NOTHING brings on the LOLz better than that. But srsly - stop trying to bite it off. You're freaking me out.



And while I'm at it - would you please stop throwing all the books off of the book shelf? Your temper tantrums are getting tiresome.








Caption this pic - Murphy: Honest Mom it was like this when I got here!





Dear Jason,




How freaking hard is it for me to get a picture without a Bud Light bottle/case/logo in it? I have an image to uphold here. I mean really.





Dear Hair,




Can you at least try to do this again (lay flat and look smooth)? You've looked like a rat's nest for two weeks now no matter what I've done. Kinda getting tired of looking like a crazy bag lady with the fly away hair. Just sayin'.






Dear Girls Night,


You were much needed.








Dear Dad,


I heard something the other day that totally made me laugh until I cried. (Good thing to do by the way.) Wanna hear? "Why are 'Great for Dad' gifts always these high tech gadgets? I don't know about your Dad, but mine can barely work a disposable camera." Okay -now in no way am I implying that you can't work a disposable (or digital for that matter) camera - but this thought just cracked me up! I guess I just tried to picture you using all the useless 'must have/time saver gadgets' they try to pawn off every year. Good times. Good times...





Love, Jen

Letters to...

Dear F***ers who broke into my car this weekend,

HA HA you didn't get anything!!! I hope you CUT your hands on my broken window and the shards of glass all in the seat you crawled over to get into EVERYTHING that was in my car. I also hope you wasted a lot of time digging through all the stuff in my glove compartment, trunk, back seat, console, and school tote bags. I hope you enjoyed looking through all my students' tests and other school papers I had in there. I'm so glad I am not STUPID and took my stereo faceplate and i-pod upstairs with me Friday night. I hope you didn't find anything that you could use to steal my identity with b/c I would hate to have to use up my precious time HUNTING you down so I can torture you to death (Thomas bites...hard). I also hope you CHOKE on the candy you took out of my school bag - I mean honestly WHO steals CANDY for crying out loud??? I hope it was rotten and you get food poisoning from it (it's been in there since August). And in all seriousness... I hope you ROT in Hell (yeah I said it.) for doing such terrible things to decent people. We should be able to have things without worrying that people like YOU will come along and STEAL everything out from under us. And I don't even feel 1% bad for saying that - b/c that's where you're going whether I wish you there or not.

Hoping your hands get infected and fall off,
Your buddy who only keeps papers and jackets in her car

P.S - You better HOPE you don't come in contact with Nick, Dad or Jason if they have any inkling that YOU were the ones who violated my car. You think I'm harsh... You should hear what they had to say...



Dear Nick,

Nothing is better than following you to the carwash so you can vacuum the glass out of my car. Especially when I am following behind you and you are driving my car. The car that totes screams "GIRL CAR" with an "I drive like a Cullen" sticker on the window. Srsly. Seeing your big head and shoulders taking up half the front seat with your arm hanging out the window halfway down the door - zooming around town... Priceless. Nothing could have brought a smile to my sad heart like that visual. I can only hope you came in contact with someone who 'got' the sticker.

My heart is happy just thinking about it.
Love,
Me


Dear Veronica,

Thanks for letting me know I'm not weird. I will be 'not as southern' if that makes me not weird.

Love,
Your just as modern but less southern BFF

P.S - I'll meet you at Sonic at 3:30. (Oh YEAH... that post is still coming...)


Dear commenter on LTR,

You are hilarious! I must have LOLed for 25 minutes. Srsly. Not. exaggerating. at. all. 25 minutes. for realz.

Since I have no idea how to NOT to plagiarize your comment - I am going to preface this by saying I am COPYING this from the LTR comment board and putting it here solely b/c it brings serious LOLz. I am even posting the link. I just think it is too funny not to share. *BTW - LTR and LTT (letters to twilight) are hilarious sites. You should check them out if you are into that kind of stuff.

http://letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/robs-mailbag-answered-by-his-interns/#comments

A little background - on the LTR site a bunch of crazy 'fans' of Robert Pattinson (Edward from Twilight) write letters to him, thinking they are sending them to him at this site. When in reality it is just a blog called "Letters to Rob" b/c the two girls who run the site write funny/silly 'letters' to him just to joke around. The letters do NOT go to him - as they are just for fun. However some psychos who read the blog really think it is his site and they send in letters addressed to him. I'd like to think that some are normal but the ones they actually post on the site are srsly funny and crazy. So in making fun of some of the crazies who write to him and sound/look really bad and stalkerish - a lot of normal people comment by writing 'letters' of their own.

I repeat this girl is completely making fun of the crazies (this letter is not real) but you can get the gist of what the real letters are like. It is eerily similar to some of them:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I am totally normal and have a life, but without you I would cease to exist. I think I could say “you are my life now”–lulz! I watch those paparazzi videos over and over and wish that I was behind the camera, following you out of restaurants and clubs. Or breaking into your hotel room to see if you had any of my other letters. I like to think you keep them in your underwear drawer, like I requested.
Sometimes I dream of you while looking at the posters of you that I put up on the ceiling above my bed. I leave my window open so you can come get me and you’ll let me climb on your back and you’ll call me spidermonkey. And you’ll be all “Bella WHO?” and I’ll LAUGH AND LAUGH. But not in a crazy way. In a funny way.
I hope you’ve given some thought to my offer of removing your clothing piece by piece with my teeth. I’m coming to Vancouver next week, and will bring all the bondage toys I’ve talked about in my other letters, just in case you didn’t bring yours to Vancouver. If I don’t see you, I will die. Literally. Maybe sneak onto set and die on your trailer steps. Don’t make me.

Kisses!

Freya 'Pattinson Masen Cullen Gale Dali Ransom'


Edited to add: HAHA I'm LOLing just proofreading this before I post. :-) Good times... good times.

Letter to...

Dear Escalade owner who parked exactly ONE FOOT away from my car today at Hobby Lobby,

I hope you enjoy the new DENT in your door.

P.S - I put it there on purpose. Learn how to park, jerk.

Love,

Me

Letters to ...

Dear Nick,



Even though I love the enthusiasm - you honestly DON'T have to continuously walk in and out of the den and squeal "SWOOOOOON" at the TV when I am trying to watch Twilight. It is simply unnecessary to do so. I am already in full SWOON/SQUEE mode and I know that you are too. Therefore - the out loud 'swoons' only distract from the movie.



Which reminds me:



Dear People making New Moon,



Please do better than you did with Twilight. Some parts are actually painful to watch. I literally had to fast forward through some scenes. Please do better this time.



Dear Thomas,



It is completely unnecessary to weave in between my feet, pawing at my feet/legs - trying to trip me in order to remind me that your bowl is empty and you are hungry. I have known you since you were a teeny, tiny pip squeak and I KNOW that I can always assume that you are hungry. Think about it this way. If I am dead or am suffering from a broken neck- I won't be able to feed you. Think. About. That. Mister.



Dear Murphy,



You rock! (and stink) But I still love you. Oh yeah! We figured what kind of dog you really are: An American Food Hound.



(Can you tell we watched a dog show this weekend?)



Dear Kate,



You make my heart happy. 'nuff said.



Dear People NOT leaving comments on this blog (you know who you are!),



It's really not that hard. And think about how happy I feel when I see a new comment. I know you lead busy lives so I shall break it down to 4 easy steps:



1. Once you reach the bottom of a post - you will see where it says (in blue) " Posted by Jenifer.... # special comments" click on where it says special comments.

2. Type a funny/witty/supportive/happy comment (it doesn't have to be long- "haha I love that picture" or "mmm that bread looks tasty" or "you sure are odd" is sufficient) in the comment box.

3. Under the comment box you will see four options: click the little circle next to Name/URL and type in your name (leave the URL box blank).

4. Click publish and YOU ARE DONE!



See not that painful!



Dear Auntie Gail,



YAY (for posting a comment)!!! If/when (okay when...mom) I get the apartment nice, neat and tidy - I will take pictures and post them for you to see.



Dear Summer Camp Kids in my classroom,



Please take all of your germs and other nasties with you when you vacate my room on Friday. I don't want them. Also, I don't want to have to roll any 5 year old heads so I hope for your sake that you haven't ruined/broken any of my stuff. Just kidding...maybe...



Dear People who just moved in to the apartment that shares our bathroom (dressing room) wall,



I think you are hilarious! I hope you never figure out that I can hear everything that goes on over there!



Dear Mom,



Perhaps I'll make you your very own Harry Potter Gryffindor Quidditch shirt. I certainly hope you read the books when you finish the movies! That would totally make my heart happy.



Dear Twilight and Harry Potter NeverEnding Trivia Quizzes on Facebook,



You are like a drug...and I am totally addicted. Matter of fact I will probably be getting my next fix as soon as I finish this post.



Which brings me to:
Dear Lauren,



WHY AREN'T YOU ON FACEBOOK?!?!? Jason made ME do it! YOU should TOO!



Dear Dad,



Still getting rid of those dang pesky trees huh? (See Kate's picture above.) I LOLed when I realized what you guys must have been doing when Kate decided to chillax. The things we do for TV. :)



Dear Everyone else,



I hope you are having a good start to the week! I look forward to seeing some COMMENTS!!! (hint, hint) ;)





Love, Jen