relapse

I've relapsed.

I am biting my fingernails again.

Until my fingers bleed and hurt.

:(

Before you say it - I did ask myself: Why do you do this? Why do you purposely do this when you know how they will hurt for days and how you won't be able to use the tips of your fingers without them hurting and aching. (yes, I do talk to myself this way. It's totally normal...)

This is the only thing I came up with...

In the words of Meredith Grey: Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Strangely appropriate. In many ways.

no really...

I, for serious, saw a car with "Honk if you love Jesus...Text if you want to meet him" sticker on the back window... that I was trying to read... while going 80 (sorry mom) ... down the highway... and nearly met Jesus myself... trying to read it...

I don't get people.

I. Just. Don't. Get. People.

Battling on...

We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one.  

~John Updike

When life takes the wind out of your sails, it is to test you at the oars. 

 ~Robert Brault

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.  ~African Proverb



That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that.  It's not a thing you can forget.  Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him against the ground so hard it seems like all his insides are busted.  


But it's not all like that.  A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad.  That makes it all bad.... 


Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another.  But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help.  When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.  


~ Old Yeller

We must try not to sink beneath our anguish... but battle on. 

 ~J.K. Rowling

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.  

~William Shakespeare

Some quotes, some thoughts and maybe even a smile...

A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?

-Marley and Me

* * * * *

Don´t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don´t. In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.

-Grey's Anatomy

I know mine is my support system.  I feel sorry for people who don't have one.  

* * * * *

But as hard as it is, I know I can't sit and stew over it.  That will only bring me down even more.  

A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.

- John Steinbeck

I don't want a sad soul.  

* * * * * 

All through history, there have been tyrants, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall, always.

-Gandhi  

One can hope this still holds true.  I'm just not sure how long I can wait.  

* * * * * 

Ok - srs bsns (serious business for those who don't speak text) over.  Random funnies and smiles from this week:

Meeting Nick at a restaurant for dinner one night this week:  He walks up to the car and when he got close to my door starts laughing.  


Nick:  We're twins.


Me:  ?  WTF are you talking about... *mumbles* weirdo

Nick:  We're TWINS.  *gesturing at himself while talking like speaking to a two year old*

Me:  ?  *gives him a 'you're retarded' look* (yeah I realize I'm the retarded one)

Nick:  Green and blue?

Me:  *Looks down at what I'm wearing* (navy slacks, green cardigan)

Nick:  (navy slacks, exactly the same shade of green polo)

Me:  Oh crap.  This is so not cute.

* * * * * 

Jason sending me random texts during the day telling me that he still has my spot saved for me as assistant weed-eater.  (We're still working on the salary negotiations.)

* * * * * 

Jason sending me random picture messages about beer and heartburn.  

"Heartburn in 0-6 beers LOL"


Love it.  


* * * * *

Coming home to find this:

Gerber Daisies (my most favy favoritest flower?!? yes I just made up a new word), Reese's Peanut Butter Cups AND Whoppers (not pictured).  Squeeeee!!!  I have the sweetest husband ever.  Even if he was forewarned by my Bestie that I was having the worst day of my life.  Even if he is totally ghetto and put the floral arrangement in a makeshift vase (half gallon milk carton with the top cut off) b/c he couldn't find the vase that would fit the arrangement.  What can you do when you only have an hour long lunch break?  Makes it even sweeter in my book.  :) 

* * * * * 

Thomas - the laziest cat in existence.

He's been in that spot since noon.  It's now 10:00.  I also love the position.  Thomas - the epitome of modesty.   ( and no - that's not a bug on the wall - it's a nail...)

* * * * * 

I found this book the other day at Target

Did you see what's written at the top?

Yeah. I'm pathetic.  

And yeah.  It's another teen fiction.  So I'm really, really pathetic. 

But it's totally good.  And sad.

A depressing book about death.  
I should probably be reading something happy right about now.  

* * * * *

 The following was confiscated from one of my sweet darlings on the playground this week: 

Dear ----

I know that we was (*teacher me cringes*) not being nice to you.  So we are try *cringes again* to say that I am sorry.  But today I will be sure that I know that you don't like me.  But I like you. I know that is *proud mama - he used the correct proofreading mark!!!*  a lot of people like you.  But I need you to like me.  I'm the best drawer in my class. But what do you want.  I will give ... *left in suspense*  (to be honest I don't think I want to know what the rest of that was going to say...)

Call:  ----  (yes the full phone number is there - area code and all)

I'm also not sure who the 'we' is in the beginning.  But wow.  That definitely brought out a srs LOL yesterday afternoon.  

* * * * * 

We were at the grocery store looking at dried beans.   Nick was trying to decide which beans to get to make his 'Bean Soup' with the rest of the ham that was frozen after Easter:

Nick: Navy Beans or these beans?

Me:  *shrugs having no idea or opinion since I. Don't. Cook.*  I don't know.  I say go with the Navy beans.  Since I'm a Navy girl and all.  

Nick:  Well I guess you could say we're both Navy girls.  

Me:  *crickets*... you're a Navy GIRL?  *snicker*

Nick:  Yeah...*realization dawns*  I mean BRATS.... we're both Navy Brats. 

Me:  LOLOLOLOLOLOL... this is soooooooo going on the blog.  (even though I did have to explain that the term navy "brat" actually means moving around from base to base as a child... regardless...we're now both Navy girls.)

  

No words

I have no words for today.  Nope.  None.  So here are some words from other people.

Language ahead.

from ruminations.com...

Let's stop with the "It was too short" response when talking about your weekend or vacation. We get it - working sucks and not working is awesome. Move on.

What the hell is the permanent press option on the dryer? Sounds serious, I'll tell you that.

Red nail polish makes you look chic for the 27 seconds until it chips, and then you instantly look like a street whore.

You know you're in a slump when you go on facebook and can't think of anyone to stalk.

I judge friendship based on how far I can go to insult a friend. Say, I am only able to call you a douchebag, then you're likely to be just an acquaintance, but if I call your mom a whore and you find it hilarious, then you're like a brother to me.  [LOL - I love you mom]

Why does the Easter Bunny give out Easter eggs? Bunnies are mammals and they definitely do not lay eggs.

I don't know why the hell people even bother coming in to the office on Fridays, because all we do is spend the day plotting how early we can get out of here.

Hey guy at toilet paper factory who puts glue on the flap to hold it down, less is more.

There's nothing worse than being the last person to sign the birthday card for a random employee in the office. There are only so many ways to pretend that I care about your birthday and they have all been taken.

"I really love my Blackberry, but I have a lot of trouble with the trackball." Hm, perhaps if you stop pressing it in like you're trying to crush the phone's larynx, that wouldn't happen. No wonder you suck at Brickbreaker.  [DUDE -  Maybe that's my problem!  I'm coming for you Jason and I will beat you...eventually]

I now know what it must be like as a fly repeatedly flying into a window. It's the same as when I enter my password over and over to no avail and not notice the caps lock is on.

Moving is the best excuse ever to devour everything in my kitchen. Remaining items: 8 beers, 2 frozen pizzas, half a pack of string cheese, pickles, cashews, box of thin mints. Nights left: 1. I got this.

I'm pretty sure I have never answered honestly when someone asks "So, what are you thinking?" Nobody needs to know that shit. 

For the sake of people's jobs, there should be an "are you sure" prompt when you hit "reply all"!

When food products refer to homemade recipes they"ll depict a perfect grandmother. Just once I wanna see a crabby old lady smacking her grandkids with a wooden spoon, yelling, and the slogan would be, "That bitch was crazy, but her soup kicked ass."

Even if I know exactly where I screwed up when typing in a password, I always erase the entire thing and start over. 

As soon as I realize the absolute latest minute I can get up for work and still make it on time - I'll never get up a second earlier.

Dear brain, let's please understand the distinction between angry and sad. Tears go with sad, please stop making my angry tangents completely pointless. Thanks.

I hate when a store asks if I want to donate $1 to some obscure, unnecessary charity as I'm standing at the register. No, I don't care to donate to the "Blankets for Polar Bears" organization, but now I have to so I don't look like a cheap ass. 

What are you? Dumb? Everybody knows the word dude is gender neutral. 

LOLcats/dogs

Alright to the serious business now...

Rly though...do you believe me NOW?!?!  If only the 'higher-ups' believed me/us now.

*sighs*  'playing the game' at work...  not fun.  Nothing like swallowing your pride and dignity all at once.

srsly.

If you need me...I'll be trying to find my inner peace.  

Truth

Truth

Screw this 1:59AM to 3AM on a Sunday thing. I think we should spring ahead some time during the work week, like go straight from 2:59PM to 4PM on a Wednesday.  

*from Ruminations.com

I couldn't agree more.

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeve # 8

People who pull out in front of you and putt.

Even better is when there is NO ONE behind you.

I don't even think I have words for this one. I just don't get it.

Pet Peeve # 9

The "Pee Pee Dance"

me: what else was on the list?

Veronica: the Pee Pee Dance was on there

me: Oh My Jesus!

Veronica: come on....

9:38 PM

me: at this point I just look at my kids now and say Srsly?!? Why are you dancing? I mean I will make them wait LONGER if they try to pull that dancing crap with me.

Veronica: Really "I know you have to go, but you just went like 30 minutes ago...

it can't be that bad, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN 5 HOURS

do you see me doing the pee pee dance?"

me: but srsly - "how did you NOT know until RIGHT NOW that you have to go THAT bad?!?"

ugh

Veronica: and honestly HOW MANY times does a kid need to go in a day?

me: srsly - we drink multiple cups of coffee, then I drink water all afternoon and still prob only go to the bathroom once during the day.

Pet Peeve #...oh heck I lost count...

FB Status Updates

of stuff we don't want to know about

*from gmail chat

me: oh yeah - did u see *******'s update from a few days ago...

10:17 PM

something about ******* (sorry that's classified info)


WTF


is she 5?!?


Veronica: yeah, i saw that


that could be another peeve


useless FB updates


me: ok sounds good...


"trying to be funny but failing miserably" updates


Veronica: "woe is me my life sucks all the time" updates

me: "thinking you're cute" when you're NOT updates

"thinking you have a catchphrase and repeating it in your comments to everyone" when you just sound stupid. Srsly - this IS MY status update - take your stupid catchphrase elsewhere

Veronica: "TMI" updates


me: "MY turn in urgent care...going to the dr. again for..."

Veronica: there are some things the whole world doesn't need to know


me: i do NOT go on FB to be depressed




Veronica: i mean come the F on


me: i have enough of my OWN issues - dont need yours


Veronica: for real, FB is supposed to be fun


me: i know
10:20 PM


Veronica: see a shrink... not the FB community


me: LOL

Public Service Announcement

FYI - this is going to come off as a little bit of personal therapy and a bit like a PSA so be warned.

*****

Anger. I have it. A lot today. I don't like anger. Not at all. I don't like being angry, having a reason to be angry nor do I like the way anger makes me feel like I hate things in my life. I'd really like to just SCREAM. But as I am FINALLY beginning to get over being sick...again...for like the 1,847,636th time this school year - I'd really like to not have a sore throat from screaming.





*Don't be fooled by my angry face - this is a serious post.

Grey's Anatomy had a good thought on anger:


In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins. We all know the big ones... gluttony, pride, lust. But the thing you don't hear much about is anger. Maybe it's because we think anger is not that dangerous, that you can control it. My point is, maybe we don't give anger enough credit. Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think. After all, when it comes to destructive behavior, it did make the top seven...

So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It's pretty simple really, you give into a sin like envy or pride and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you'll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger, anger is the worst... the mother of all sins... Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does you can take an awful lot of people with you.




*****


My two pet peeves today have a lot to do with anger. Anger that I feel because of these two things. These two things that I hate. And you know I'm serious if I'm saying that I truly hate them. I don't "hate" a lot of things. I hate ignorance. I hate injustice. I strongly dislike stupidity. I very strongly dislike phony people. But what I've come to learn is that I hate hate hate inconsistency and double standards. And I hate that there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I've been taught that hate and anger are not things that you want to carry around with you. They have the ability to consume you. Which they do. Easily. This is why I'm venting these two things here today and getting them off of my chest and out of my mind and heart.

Inconsistency

I've never been someone who needs to have structure in my life to function. However I do like having structure. I like knowing what I have to do. I like knowing what is expected. I like having a good idea of what is going to happen. I like repetition. I don't like the unknown. I'm leery of going to new places alone. I don't often like change. I like constant. I like being prepared. I've never liked projects where I had no idea of what the teacher/professor was looking for. I've just always liked knowing what is expected of me. I don't like surprises (unless they are good ones). I'm not very spontaneous. I like having a schedule or at least a plan and for the most part, sticking to it.



I imagine a lot of people are like me in this way. Sure, maybe I am a little more extreme than most. I like knowing what to expect because I like to please. But really who doesn't? I guess people know this about me more than I do since it was obvious to everyone but me (when playing Imaginiff -good game btw) that my biggest fear in life would be to disappoint others.



So imagine my difficulty in dealing with people who are so inconsistent you never know what to expect. People who change their tune every time they turn around so even if they told you to do something one way - they will change their mind the next minute and contradict everything you thought you were doing right. I just can't cope with that. I don't know how to. It makes me so angry I don't know what to do with it. I think I am doing everything right or at the very least doing everything the way I thought I was told to do it to be completely blindsided. Inconsistency is something I am finding myself completely bombarded with right now. I'm very close to carrying a tape recorder around with me and getting everything in writing. Because I just don't know how much more I can take.

Double Standards

Pet Peeve #2 goes hand in hand with Pet Peeve #1. The best part [sarcasm] of the chaos I am in right now is that some people can do things a certain way while others are not allowed. See why I am angry?



I try not to be angry about these things. It is just so hard.

A Buddhist principle I like goes something like this: The past is full of regret, the future full of anxiety, all we have with absolute certainty is now - so live in the now. Not with anxiety for the future or regret for the past.

I'm trying. Maybe I should add something about anger for the things I hate that can't change. Maybe I should add the Serenity Prayer to my list.

If the world didn't suck...

we'd all fall off.





To answer your question: my week did not get any better. In fact, it got worse. Some days life just sucks.





I've been resorting to finding the 'Silver Lining' in all things since there hasn't been a lot of good in my  life lately.





The really sad thing is that I couldn't find the silver lining today.





We are having an emergency girls night tomorrow since work life is SUCKING for a lot of people right now and I am keeping busy decorating for Christmas. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

Sarcasm and LOLcatz

B/c sometimes it's the only way. Since I have nothing nice to say today:

For Jason (another take on men who 'look at sheep')

Thomas?

Oh, how I wish...

For people in power positions who shouldn't be...

Truth...