Letters to...

Dear F***ers who broke into my car this weekend,

HA HA you didn't get anything!!! I hope you CUT your hands on my broken window and the shards of glass all in the seat you crawled over to get into EVERYTHING that was in my car. I also hope you wasted a lot of time digging through all the stuff in my glove compartment, trunk, back seat, console, and school tote bags. I hope you enjoyed looking through all my students' tests and other school papers I had in there. I'm so glad I am not STUPID and took my stereo faceplate and i-pod upstairs with me Friday night. I hope you didn't find anything that you could use to steal my identity with b/c I would hate to have to use up my precious time HUNTING you down so I can torture you to death (Thomas bites...hard). I also hope you CHOKE on the candy you took out of my school bag - I mean honestly WHO steals CANDY for crying out loud??? I hope it was rotten and you get food poisoning from it (it's been in there since August). And in all seriousness... I hope you ROT in Hell (yeah I said it.) for doing such terrible things to decent people. We should be able to have things without worrying that people like YOU will come along and STEAL everything out from under us. And I don't even feel 1% bad for saying that - b/c that's where you're going whether I wish you there or not.

Hoping your hands get infected and fall off,
Your buddy who only keeps papers and jackets in her car

P.S - You better HOPE you don't come in contact with Nick, Dad or Jason if they have any inkling that YOU were the ones who violated my car. You think I'm harsh... You should hear what they had to say...



Dear Nick,

Nothing is better than following you to the carwash so you can vacuum the glass out of my car. Especially when I am following behind you and you are driving my car. The car that totes screams "GIRL CAR" with an "I drive like a Cullen" sticker on the window. Srsly. Seeing your big head and shoulders taking up half the front seat with your arm hanging out the window halfway down the door - zooming around town... Priceless. Nothing could have brought a smile to my sad heart like that visual. I can only hope you came in contact with someone who 'got' the sticker.

My heart is happy just thinking about it.
Love,
Me


Dear Veronica,

Thanks for letting me know I'm not weird. I will be 'not as southern' if that makes me not weird.

Love,
Your just as modern but less southern BFF

P.S - I'll meet you at Sonic at 3:30. (Oh YEAH... that post is still coming...)


Dear commenter on LTR,

You are hilarious! I must have LOLed for 25 minutes. Srsly. Not. exaggerating. at. all. 25 minutes. for realz.

Since I have no idea how to NOT to plagiarize your comment - I am going to preface this by saying I am COPYING this from the LTR comment board and putting it here solely b/c it brings serious LOLz. I am even posting the link. I just think it is too funny not to share. *BTW - LTR and LTT (letters to twilight) are hilarious sites. You should check them out if you are into that kind of stuff.

http://letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/robs-mailbag-answered-by-his-interns/#comments

A little background - on the LTR site a bunch of crazy 'fans' of Robert Pattinson (Edward from Twilight) write letters to him, thinking they are sending them to him at this site. When in reality it is just a blog called "Letters to Rob" b/c the two girls who run the site write funny/silly 'letters' to him just to joke around. The letters do NOT go to him - as they are just for fun. However some psychos who read the blog really think it is his site and they send in letters addressed to him. I'd like to think that some are normal but the ones they actually post on the site are srsly funny and crazy. So in making fun of some of the crazies who write to him and sound/look really bad and stalkerish - a lot of normal people comment by writing 'letters' of their own.

I repeat this girl is completely making fun of the crazies (this letter is not real) but you can get the gist of what the real letters are like. It is eerily similar to some of them:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I am totally normal and have a life, but without you I would cease to exist. I think I could say “you are my life now”–lulz! I watch those paparazzi videos over and over and wish that I was behind the camera, following you out of restaurants and clubs. Or breaking into your hotel room to see if you had any of my other letters. I like to think you keep them in your underwear drawer, like I requested.
Sometimes I dream of you while looking at the posters of you that I put up on the ceiling above my bed. I leave my window open so you can come get me and you’ll let me climb on your back and you’ll call me spidermonkey. And you’ll be all “Bella WHO?” and I’ll LAUGH AND LAUGH. But not in a crazy way. In a funny way.
I hope you’ve given some thought to my offer of removing your clothing piece by piece with my teeth. I’m coming to Vancouver next week, and will bring all the bondage toys I’ve talked about in my other letters, just in case you didn’t bring yours to Vancouver. If I don’t see you, I will die. Literally. Maybe sneak onto set and die on your trailer steps. Don’t make me.

Kisses!

Freya 'Pattinson Masen Cullen Gale Dali Ransom'


Edited to add: HAHA I'm LOLing just proofreading this before I post. :-) Good times... good times.