Apparently it was something from a radio show and NO I will not tell you exactly where I found it (too embarrassed as usual) - I don't know the specifics but I do know that it is hilarious! I think everyone can find something they can relate to. Me? Waaaaaaayyyyyy too many sounded like they were written by me or for me. srsly.
*sorry mom and dad - some language ahead - I didn't censor it.
**This is l-o-n-g. Read when you have a few minutes!
'Truisms' and Other Universal Truths
1. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
2. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
3. Bad decisions make good stories.
4. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I've already given up on trying to figure that out. Yeah - I'm a quitter.
5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
6. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. Or changing the song on my i-pod.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. (Think about it)
8. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
9. Was learning cursive really necessary?
10. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
11. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
12. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
13. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up on the highway to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
14. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...*10 second lapse*..ummm...Goonies"
15. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
16. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
17. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood thanks!
18. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. Srsly - how may times have I thought that!?!?
19. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
20. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! *jens on the floor rolling at this one*
21. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. *where in the world is Carmen San Diego* Great now I have that song stuck in my head... super...
22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
23. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you make up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. Cause re-buying crap you already have -in blu-ray SUCKS!!
25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
26. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
27. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
28. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste!
29. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
30. Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for creeper pedophiles...
31. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
32. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. Too often.
33. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
34. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Soooooo true!! EVIL MOM from last year is STILL in my phone as a DO NOT ANSWER!!!
35. I think that if, down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, a lot of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition for all the time I tried so hard not to get pregnant.
36. Sometimes I amaze myself with what I will acknowledge, say I've done or agree to - just to hurry a conversation along.
37. I feel bad for the Trix rabbit, all that poor bastard wants is some F***ing cereal.
38. I don't think high schools should have school zones. I mean if you can't cross the street by the time you are in high school you sorta deserve to get hit by a car.
39. I often find myself too exhausted from keeping up with the constant emails among my working friends and other coworkers to actually buckle down and do some work for my job. Ain't that the truth!!
40. I hate when people change their Facebook status to state how stressful and busy they are but soon after, I see their results on What Color They Represent, What Twilight Character They Will Hook Up With & What Their White Trash Stripper Name Would Be.
14 special comments:
That was really good! I can relate to quite a few of those. I still agree with Ms. Hyman's husband, you should become a writer!!!! Nice to know we have so much talent in the family. Thanks for the recipe for supper it was very good, nice change. Get some rest, love you Mom
So true are most of them, really makes you think. But most of all the person who thought them all up is the one we really have to worry about. Again thanks for keeping my heart happy.
As always All My Love, Dad
Okay, I am putting off doing the kids homework so I can hang out with you for a little while. Because this is definitely more fun than homework anyway. I mean come on, after I have been at school teaching ALL day why do I want to come home and do more school work. GET REAL!!!!
Okay, my thoughts:
#1- yes they do need that font so we can tell tone in text and IM, you know for all of us who write, insert sarcastic tone here...
#4- fold a fitted sheet, why would I even do that? I have one set, take em off and wash em, why fold at all? but what gets me, is that I have a friend that irons her sheets...can you say LOSER!!!!
#5- I would be a very light shopper if I had to walk up and down the steps at your apt to bring in my groceries. Maybe I should move in, buy less food and lose some weight.
#12- don't I feel that way about most of the kids in my class. they are imaginary smart. We all like to imagine they are smart, but we know the truth.
#20- Imagine the disappoinment "O" felt when someones FB page went from public to private, I thought she would cry.
#22-why do we play these games anyway, there is no need for an ice breaker where we are and there are only 4 new people, introduce yourself later, they won't remember your name for 4 months anyway
#27- means it might as well stay at the store, who needs something like that taking up space in your closet?
#29-that is SOOOO true, on the way to mama's the other weekend I put my IPOD on shuffle, I swear, I would listen to like 2 songs and then skip the next 1 or 2, knowing i put them all there and like them all.
#32-its amazing to me that the battery in my cell last through recess I look at the time so much, not a minute later than the last time I looked 5 seconds ago
#39- I'm just glad you always check my email.
#40-I think we already covered this one.
thanks for the laughs.
Veronica -
#1 - I was soooo totally thinking that when I text(ed)? Nick this afternoon.
#5 - won't work, I tried. Sorry to disapoint.
#20- nuh-uh! I didn't know that. I guess I didn't stalk that certain someone.
#22 - truth.
#39 - awwww. I may not always REMEMBER it but I do always check. I'm sweet I know.
#40 - srsly - have you been on FACEBOOK today?!? I'm sick of having to cycle through all that CRAP. I def would NOT publish all those quizzes even if I DID take them that often. Srsly go check out facebook. Check the status update. You'll die.
You are very taltanted and funny! you must get some of that from your brother!haha
spell check: disappoint.
As a matter of fact, I haven't checked, because unlike that certain someone I do have a life. You would think with a kid and a husband you could find something else to do all day.
I mean, she wonders why she is so unhappy in her marriage, get a clue, get off the compy every once in a while.
Anonymous - YOU KNOW my brother?!? What a Small-freakin-world! HAHA! Yeah I probably do get some of that from you. Had to keep my wits about me growing up with you!
Mom & Dad - awww! Glad you liked the dinner! It's one of my favs!
I just found a quote I wanted to share, and add a little side note of my own.
***Reading while drunk is horrible.*** (especially if the book is partg of the Twilight series.)
However, IMing while drunk is also horrible and it's a good thing we only talk to really good friends when we are experiencing that. That way, they can laugh with us and not at us. Who am kidding? I know that you were laughing at me.
V - Definitely at you. U R right! With love of course!
AND srsly!! That whole "wrecking havoc on a Twilight book b/c of my (I mean - the reader's) state of inebriation" was TOTALLY classified information. AND in my (I mean -the reader's) defense - It was New Years(..umm..morning?) and it was the FIRST time reading the book!
And YES - IMing while drunk is TOTALLY funny to the sober person on the other end. Imagine if were were both drinking! For the record: Gmail Chat is freaking awesome that you can print the whole convo!
And just for the record - how awesome are you for agreeing to gmail chat with me instead of texting back and forth since we both know I FAIL at texting.
You do FAIL at texting, but then again, so do most people compared to me, and...I am loving the gmail print thing, though it could be totally devestating if in the hands of the wrong individual.
And.. hello...did anyone mention who the reader of the twilight book was. I just stated that reading while drunk was horrible. that could have been referring to anyone. I mean, you know I have a drinking problem and tend to do really stupid stuff when I am plastered.
HAHA too true. Wow - we might as well be having our own gmail chat here. We DO need to put the compy down and walk away to do something productive. ... yeah right - who am I kidding...
maybe we should gmail for a while, then all the people in your family wouldn't see how truely pathetic we are
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